I remember the first time I saw him on that last day I saw him. I flew right into his arms, with no thought of oncoming traffic, or of the boyfriend I had in tow. It took mere seconds to get to him; and it was so quick, it took him a second to realize who the woman was that was throwing herself at him. But, it only took a second, and those blue eyes softened, that beautiful smile appeared, and his arms tightened around me. I was home.
This is one of the few vivid memories I have of him. If I had known that this was the last time I would ever see him, I would have treasured every.single.moment. of it. Not that I didn’t…it was a great day. I’m so glad my plans fell apart, and we were able to spend so much of that day together. We did what we always do; we just were. We talked, laughed, caught up, and just enjoyed each other’s company. Honestly, for a last day with him, I wouldn’t want it any other way. However, had I known he only had a few short years left, I would have made absolutely sure that we had at least a few more days like this.
But, I do not want to think about what would have been, what could have been, what SHOULD have been; it makes me cry, and that is all I’ve done for the last year when I think of him. He died almost 5 years ago, but I only found out last year. I’ve been able to think of little else than regrets these last 12 months. I wonder, what if…what if…and I constantly wish I could turn back the clock. But, the sad fact is, I cannot. And that hurts, more than anything has ever hurt before. And he would HATE that. So, this will not be that kind of post.
He was my best friend; and I’m learning now, he was my first love, even if we never could get that off the ground. Our timing was abysmal. How I didn’t see it until now, I’ll never know. No matter that we never got it right, what we had was perfect in and of itself. I could just BE with him…there were no games, no pretenses, no reason to try to be something or someone I wasn’t, because to him, I was perfect exactly how I was. I’ve not had that since, and it’s taken until now to realize just how wonderful and how rare it is to experience a love like that.
A quick phone call was all it took, and either of us would be there. I remember numerous nights spent spooning, his hand on my hip, just talking until we passed out. I would give anything for just one more of those nights. *shakes head, tears up* I’ve got to stop doing that…I cannot seem to stop myself from wishing for that most of all. I might have few vivid memories, but I remember most fondly those late night talks. It might have been everything, or it might have been nothing, it didn’t matter. We were so comfortable, so real, so true to ourselves those nights, and even though we were so very different, those differences failed to have any meaning whatsoever. I’m just now realizing the significance of a friendship such as that, of a love like that, and I wonder if I can ever know that again. I wonder if I can ever want that again…
Yikes! Not sure I want to contemplate that right now… For now, I just want to remember those talks, that lanky body sprawled out on my futon, telling me he loved me. I want to remember those baby blues, that easy, beautiful smile, and those amazing arms folding me into a hug like no other. ♥