2012 Reflection

I suppose it is inevitable; I must take a few moments to reflect on 2012 and a few to look forward to what 2013 may bring, even if I’m not sure that I want to go through it all again.

2012 was not my best year, by any means. It started with me in a funk that I was never fully able to shake. Fresh off of yet another disastrous relationship where the boy decided to move on without telling me, I was barely functioning in December of 2011. This carried over into 2012. In addition, I had just learned that my best friend from college, and first love, had succumbed to brain cancer nearly four years before. I have spent nearly every moment I thought of him in 2012 in tears. And I mean gut-wrenching, soul-crushing, earth-shattering, body-quaking sobs. I cannot move on. I cannot forgive myself for not being there for him. I cannot stop regretting losing touch, even if it was not entirely my fault. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that such a beautiful, full of life; amazing soul could have been taken from the world so soon.

I spent several months terrified, going through tests for Cushing’s Syndrome, which is horribly confusing and complicated, and I will not go into all of it, but when you learn there is a possibility of you having a tumor on your pituitary so soon after learning of a good friend’s demise from brain cancer, well, it’s a mind fuck.

While dealing with the possibility of a pituitary tumor, my job was threatened, and I learned that I cannot trust any one of the people I have worked with for the last six years.

Just when the docs decided that I did not have Cushing’s, I had a day and a half reprieve before I started having excruciatingly painful tooth problems. This has led to expensive procedures that will continue through 2013, and are not covered by insurance, which meant that I had to find a way to pay for it.

It took uncountable hours, several months, and nearly 80 applications for me, a person with extremely solid work history, good references, and a great work ethic to find that part-time second job to help pay these unexpected bills. I could not have found a better or more suitable place for me to work, really. That being said, I have never felt so worthless, such the failure, even nearly a lowlife as I job-searched those months. Being told that, as a college graduate, with nearly 10 years of work history, that you are not qualified to work in a grocery store, well, it’s a kick in the teeth. I knew that the economy was bad, and when I read about the turn-out for a job fair for a new grocery store (the turnout was nearly ten times the open positions), it hit home somewhat. But, I am my own worst critic, and was under so much pressure with these upcoming bills, that I was nearly crippled by feelings of failure and worthlessness.

These past few months have consisted of trying to re-acclimate to 60 hour work weeks, and spending hours on my feet, all the while praying that the first steps of this dental process were successful. The one thing that seemed to save me from myself in 2012 was my writing and blogging. Even that fell apart when family members decided not to be supportive. Hurt and betrayed, I had a heck of a time even opening a Word document, let alone writing and finishing anything. Luckily, I had enough of a support system in fellow writer friends I’d made in the few months of blogging that I was able to start writing as Melina Leigh. I am not at 100% just yet, I don’t think, but at least I’m trying; at least I’m writing.

As for 2013, we shall see what happens. I hope to make more time to write. I am hoping there is smooth sailing in the dental world. I will continue working 2 jobs, trying to pay off these debts and others. After my next dental appointment, if the outcome is favorable, I will start searching for a new job in a new area, and perhaps a new field. I started therapy last year, and am hoping that my therapist and I make great strides toward healing. I will write about some of it as time goes on, but there is a lot on my plate that I’ve avoided dealing with, and it’s time I do. I don’t do resolutions, but I do work towards goals, so that is what I’m hoping for in 2013. I hope you all accomplish all you hope to as well.

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Posted on January 12, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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