I’ve Got it Baaaddd! :-s
For the first time in a very long time, I have spent several restless nights, near giddy over a man. Or the thought of possibilities with a man. I am giddy, I am nervous, I have a major case of the butterflies, and not matter how much I try, I cannot stop smiling. Yes, I know, it makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit too. But I’d probably still be smiling through that too. Ugh!
I’d be lying, however, if I did not say that it’s also been quite nice. Nice to feel again, to hope again. Even though I have no idea his situation, or if there is any chance of happiness with this man, it is nice to have just a little faith in humanity again, even if it ends up being misguided. Everyone needs hope once in a while. And it’s been far too long for me.
I’m a clumsy, distracted, destructive mess though. Naturally one of the least graceful creatures on the planet, I’m about 16 times worse, and I hate it. (Yeah, I’m still smiling). Not to mention the fact that I am making more and more messes, and coming close to destroying things! I cannot think straight. I cannot stop thinking about him. I’ve got it BAD. Like, BAAADDDD bad.
I’ve even referred to him as a MAN! More than once! Just look in the first two paragraphs! EEK! Maybe it’s just cynical and bitter me, but I nearly always call them boys, no matter their age. Every once in a while, I’ll concede to referring to one or two of them as guys, but never MAN! Something is seriously seriously wrong with me! Maybe I am sick! That’s it, maybe I have a fever! …MAN fever maybe! *sigh*
Good God, someone help me now!
Perhaps it’s because it’s becoming apparent that I’ve only dated boys in the past. I mean, a MAN doesn’t cheat. A man doesn’t seek out the next psycho crazy she bitch he can get to sleep with him just because he cannot be alone for a few weeks. A man doesn’t need a back burner girl. A man doesn’t marry someone while still dating someone else. A MAN realizes that once he’s found out, the woman who has done everything she knew how to do for him… deserves answers, an explanation, an apology. (An apology, explanation, and answers she never got by the way. But that’s a few stories for another day.)
So, I’m giddy, I’m optimistic, and good grief, am I terrified! I’m a mess, but I’ll live. That’s the point. I’m living. I’m finally moving on. I’m finally allowing myself to feel again. It’s great. It’s awful. It’s fun, it’s terrifying. Hopefully I won’t get hurt again. More than likely, I will. But I’m going to try to see this through. Hopefully I won’t be too disgustingly gooey about it in the meantime.