Happy Birthday E <3 RIP
A very special man from my past should be celebrating his 32nd birthday today. I suppose he’s celebrating with the angels today, if you believe that sort of thing. I may not know where I stand, but I have to believe that E lives on, that this beautiful man is simply no more. I have spent much of this week thinking of him, and trying to put my feelings into words, however I cannot seem to finish any piece. When writing about E, I get this overwhelming feeling that nothing is ever good enough; I can never seem to find the perfect words to honor this man. He was my best friend, my first love, and I don’t know if anyone can ever measure up. I think I feel so damn guilty for losing touch and not being around when he was sick, that I feel like anything I have to say must be absolutely perfect to make up for that failing. The thing is, E was the kind of person who realized that people were not perfect; who loved unconditionally. He would not care if my writing were perfect; he would simply encourage my passion. Gosh, I miss this man.
So, here are a few of the thoughts/snippets/starts of pieces I started in memory of him, in honor of his birthday. It’s not perfect, it’s not complete, but it is all my heart. -ML
This marks 32 short years since his birth, and already he has missed too many birthdays. He has been gone far too long, left us far too soon, but he would not want us to dwell on that this week. If we must dwell, he would want for us to remember the good times, the years we were gifted with his presence. We should remember his kind and selfless heart. We should remember his love of family and friends. Nothing came before family, and friends were treasured only a fraction less. A person could have no greater friend than E, someone who loved you just the way you were, no matter your flaws. There were no unrealistic expectations, there were no expectations, period. It was liberating. He was beautiful in heart, body, and soul. And today, on his birthday, he is dearly missed.
Happy Birthday my dear friend. Celebrate well in heaven, my dear friend. You’ve spent far too many birthdays there already. I will celebrate quietly this year, I will try not to cry…I know you do not want tears again, yet nothing and no one can comfort as you once did. A heaviness rests on my heart today though, one I cannot quite shake, no matter how much I know you would want me to have moved on, to no longer grieve. But grief is an unforgiving companion, especially when paired with guilt.